Saturday, October 31, 2009


i've read alot of stories about how people who have pets, look like their pet. REALLY? let's examine this. This is my dog, Zoe. see if you can see the resemblence between her and i.

No, look a little further down.

Exactly. yes, we do favor each other. BUT, in my defense, i nursed each of my three boys for NINE months!! that's TWENTY SEVEN months out of my life people!! who wouldn't look like this after that? mmmmmhmmmmm. that's what i thought. many of YOU look like this too, dont'cha?

When i was about eleven years old i began developing...and now, at fifty years old...i am STILL developing. My "girls" (actually they're twins, but not identical) decided to make their permanent residence on my chest at this tender younger age, much to my dissatisfaction. by the time i reached my teen years i weighed in at around 100 lbs., with my twins accounting for about 20 lbs. of that weight. my body was not in proportion to say the least. my bosom buddy (no pun intended, Marylynn, was in exactly the same predicament. we were "mature young ladies" floating amongst a sea of "immature girls." She had a tee shirt she wore sometimes that said "my treasure chest." i had one that said "packaged in america." it was one of my favorite things to wear, because it was this really pretty blue color and it looked so good with my white hot pants. (in my time that's what really short, shorts were called.) anyway, our family was traveling upstate one year when i was sixteen years old and this particular day we stopped at some kind of national park where my mother took pictures of all of us kids against the beautiful backdrop of mountains. i was wearing that outfit that day. my shirt matched the color of the sky beautifully. i never thought anything of it until many years later when my mother put that picture on a scrapbook page she was making for me. we were laughing about it and she said, "your daddy was soooo humiliated when you wore that shirt!" WHAT???? the boys in school always told me i looked so good in it! i was a naive little idiot back then. this is my story, and i'm sticking to it. (sorry daddy, i promise never to wear a shirt like that again.)

It brings to mind another story. when i gave birth to my oldest son, landon, his father and i decided to take a trip up to north fl to visit my husbands grandparents. it was a really loooooong trip. we were driving along I95 in our black trans am, the sunroof open, my long hair whipping in the wind, when landon began howling. he was hungry and was not going to wait to be fed. so i figured we were moving along at a pretty good speed. no one could see into the car. so i pulled him out of his carseat, took him into my lap and began to nurse him. all was well in his little world. about 15 minutes or so a big semi truck pulled up beside us...on my side. i wasn't paying a bit of attention to him. i was a new mother, just enjoying my sweet baby. the man driving that big semi blew his horn (which of course woke landon up and he began to cry) and motioned for me to roll my window down. i thought he was going to tell me we had a flat tire or our tail lights were out, or something like that. no sir. he smiled at me and said, "that's a really beautiful baby you have there!" i said, "thank you" and turned to my husband and said, "that was nice of him" to which my husband busted out laughing. he said, "janet, he was looking at your "girl!" which was fully exposed now because he had blown that horn on purpose, knowing he would scare the baby off of it! pervert! and idiot me, again.

another time, when Pickle was a baby, she was in the car with my sister and my mother and decided she didn't want to wait until they got home before she would get dinner. oh no! she was going to have it RIGHT NOW! she begins to scream bloody murder, so my sister just rips her shirt open, pulls her bra down and leans completely over the front seat and nurses her while she still sits in her car seat and as my mother drives down the road. with cars passing on either side. got that visual in your head? not a pretty sight for passersby, i'm sure. and surely not something you would see everyday on your ride home from work.

anyway, Zoe has decided it's time to wean her puppies. all 11 of them. each time they nurse they dig little holes into her "girls". their little nails are like needles. soon she will go back to a more normal size. BUT, for now, until the last feeding, she will have what i call "HOLEY MOLEYS". and then we won't look alike anymore. :-(

Friday, October 30, 2009

PONDERING "FAT TRANSPLANTS" - is there a market? i think maybe there is.

The other day, micajah and a couple of his friends were over. he wanted some money. for "food" he said. The next morning i walked into the kitchen and sitting on my counter was this:

THIS is NOT what i consider to be "food." it is also not what i want to spend my precious few dollars on. (i would much rather save those for Lindor truffles, or Hersheys milk chocolate nuggets with almonds and toffee chips, or know, REAL for champions!

I asked what it was for and he said, "mom, just wait. i'm going to put on at least 10 lbs. a week." i said, "so you are going to drink muscle milk, then go out and eat fast food every day and then go to the YMCA and workout, and gain 10 lbs.? every week. ummmm, yeah. righto. what you are going to do is GET FAT. like your mother.

he rolled his eyes at me and said, "you'll see. when i work out, the fast food will turn to muscle." it's been two weeks now. he has lost about 4 lbs. so far.

anyway, this got me thinking...which was not a good thing. i get something on my mind and i go deep...too deep my male family members say. But, i was thinking about how skinny people always want to be fat, while fat  people always want to skinny. and so, i had an epiphany!!! i could totally help out micajah, landon (my oldest son), christian (my second oldest son), all of their friends...and then hundreds of other people out there wanting some extra poundage to pack on.

I would make a Will first. for when i die. (i can't help anyone until i die, so that's a small problem for them, cuz i don't want to speed that process up) and then i would make a Living Will. in it, i would donate the usual organs that people donate if they become brain dead (my kids think this already applies to me) BUT, here is where the help would come in...i would also donate MY FAT!!! If a family member needed very large "girls", transplant mine. if they needed a ginourmous badonkadonk...i'm your answer to prayer. extra chin? got three. a mole on your face that acts like a beauty mark? i have hundreds to choose from. need flabby thighs, loaded with cellulite? have two. how about a jelly roll or two or three around your waist? i'm your go-to girl, errrr...corpse. and then, whatever was left after family took all they wanted, their friends and co-workers could stop by the hospital and peruse all the fat that is left. and take what they wanted to increase their girth, or add on the pounds!

my family thought this was another one of my dumb ideas. but i'm thinking there might be a market for it. why let perfectly good fat go to waste, (i'll be in Heaven by then, in my "perfect" body, and won't need it anymore) when there are so many people out there that would give anything to "gain weight?" i'm going to google FAT TRANSPLANTS. i'll let you know what i find.

Thursday, October 29, 2009


is it even remotely possible to stub BOTH of your little toes on SHEETS. while you are sleeping? i would not have thought so...until this happened to me last night. at least that's the only explanation i can come up with.

i woke up this morning to one of my little toes stinging. when i looked at it, i noticed that the nail was gone. i'm not talking a small piece broke off! the entire nail was missing. and it stung. i just looked over at my other foot and noticed that the nail on my OTHER little toe was also missing! WHAT?????? How could this be?

i went to take my sheets off the bed to wash them, not because i lost my nails, but because it was a good day to wash them...when i FOUND one of the nails. i have even uploaded a pic to show you the proof! and you may be asking, "what about the other one?" don't have a clue. i searched high and low, on the sheets, on the floor, on the mattress. nada. i think maybe one of the dogs ate it or something.

things like this only happen to ME. and they happen with great frequency. do you lose your nails when you become an old lady? when you are getting divorced? do they fall off BOTH toes on each foot at the same time for any specific reason? i'm going to have to look into this.

meanwhile, at least i can be thankful that it is closed toe shoe season and not flip flop weather. how do you explain to the girl giving you a pedicure that you have to forgo polish on your little toes, due to a lack of nails? humiliating, to say the least! :-)


A few months ago Micajah got a speeding ticket. for going 86 in a 55 mph zone. Some of you may think this is no big deal...most of us will get one sooner or later. That's exactly what i thought too. So, a month ago we went to court to enter a plea, and it was suggested to us that we ask for a public defender. we did. then we were told that we would probably not get one, because Micajah's dad could certainly afford to pay for an attorney. Just a small problem though. His dad and i are going through a divorce right now, and we really aren't on speaking terms. besides the fact that Micajah has not seen or spoken to his dad since April. I won't bore you with those details here, suffice it to say that Micajah has taken on two full time jobs and is being homeschooled, in order to help me pay the bills and have some semblance of a normal life. in other words, we didn't tell his dad about the ticket because we knew it wouldn't matter to him and we also knew HE was not going to help pay for an attorney. and we certainly don't have the money to hire one.

Anyway, that morning he got the ticket, he was on his way to work at his new job and was running a little behind because of traffic. and he WAS speeding. Being 16 yrs. old, he thought that if he was late right off the bat, he wouldn't have a job.

Well, we got a call Monday that they had decided to give us a public defender, but it would costs $50.00. So we showed up at court yesterday and met with him..and he gave us dreadful news that i was totally unprepared for! You see, in GA, if you are caught as a juvenile, going more than 24 miles over the speed limit, there are MANDATORY consequences. And he was going 31 miles over. The attorney began telling us what we were to expect. 2 years probation (his junior and senior year, with a curfew of 6:00 p.m.), his license suspended for 1 year. (which meant bye bye jobs), community service, 4 points on his license, which meant astronomical insurance raise for a boy under 25 yrs., had to attend a defensive driver class, had to attend a class at the hospital for what happens to people involved in traffic accidents, $350.00 fine, $100.00 probation fee, possible other court fees and a permanent record. WOW!!! this is really, really harsh for a first time offender!!! This would certainly change our lives even more drastically than they have already been changed. I asked if we could talk to the judge and explain our situation. The attorney said that just doesn't happen in these cases. He went on to say how juvenile speeding offenses are taken very seriously in GA, which i totally understand, and they have implemented these mandatory sentences for EVERYONE, regardless of any reasons or excuses. I just sat there and cried. and Micajah cried. and i texted this message to my friend, Pam. Others were praying also. And i just pleaded with God to turn things around. Micajah has been through soooo much these last few months. i really couldn't see how he would cope with this.

We went into the courtroom and the judge asked how he pleaded and the attorney said, "Guilty, but we would like to show some mitigating circumstances." and the judge just looked at him and said, "Sir, you know that mitigating circumstances don't come into this type of case." and the attorney just asked if the judge would please just let Micajah explain to him why he was speeding that morning. So, the judge allowed Micajah to take the stand and the attorney began asking him about our lives the past few months...and then he said, "Micajah, WHY were you speeding that morning?" and Micajah got very emotional and said, "my dad left my mom and me a few months ago and i had to be taken out of the school i had been going to since i was 3 yrs. old, and i needed to work, so i was late that morning because of heavy traffic and all i knew was that i couldn't lose this job because all me and my mom have left is our house, and i didn't want that to be taken away from us too." Boy, the floodgates opened and the deputies were all running around trying to find me tissues and i have never been prouder of my son than i was at that moment.

He stepped down, and the judge asked the probation officer what punishment he recommended and he said that by law he had to recommend those i listed above. and the judge asked him what he would personally recommend, and the man said, that the case be dropped. Then he asked the District Attorney what she recommended and she asked if the attorneys could approach the bench. They all talked awhile and then the judge came back and he looked at Micajah and his next words absolutely left me speechless. He said, "Young man, you have admitted that you were speeding. I don't believe for a minute that you were racing or showing off or even just driving fast to be doing it. The law mandates the punishment for this offense, but as the judge, i am given some discretion and i am going to exercise that in this case. Your punishment will be that for the next three minutes you will sit here and listen to me scold you (exact words) about the dangers of speeding, and then you will be free to go. no fines, no community service, no suspension of his license, no probation. FREE TO GO. this will be as though it never happened. there will be nothing on your record. I feel bad for what you and your mother are going through and i sincerely believe that exacting harsher punishment will be devastating to you and your mother. i believe you have learned your lesson and you are a remarkable young man for taking on such a big responsibility at your young age. You may go."

And in that instant, GOD smiled on us!!! We went from thoughts of utter devastation to thanking God for being bigger than our storm! He truly is an awesome GOD, and he truly is looking down on us and saying, "Your ways are not MY ways." "I know the plans i have for you."

When we walked out of there, the probation officer and the attorney both said that had never happened in that courtroom. By the way, even the District Attorney herself had gone to the bench to ask the judge for leniency!

Anyone think this wasn't a GOD thing? i would beg to differ. <3<3<3

p.s. talk about an answer to prayer. the judge had scolded him and let him go, just as i had asked my friend to pray for.

I'm a NEWBIE to the Blogging nice to me. :-)

I've never considered blogging before now. mainly because i hate that sounds like gagging...and that's something i never like to do, so i thought i wouldn't like this either. another reason is because i never really thought that anyone would be interested in things i have to say. i have since changed my mind. i have a niece, named Ashley (i like to call her "Pickle" ), she's 11 yrs. old and for some odd reason, she gets the greatest joy out of hearing about my misfortunes in life. every time she sees me, she asks, "did you do anything funny today, like fall...or wet your pants?" and if i did, i have to go into great detail about it. then we laugh, and then i usually do wet my pants. hence, my new "gag me" BLOG. I figured if i can make a little girl laugh with my stupid antics, then hey, it's worth it to put myself out there for all my friends to share in my humiliation. SO, i dedicate this to Pickle, and i hope she gets a good laugh every now and then and maybe wets her pants...for good measure. Enjoy!

This is Ashley (Pickle)