a word to the wise...man.

several years ago, while spending the summer at ft. myers beach, fl, where my parents own a condo,

i had the good fortune to meet randy.

daddy and i were in the pool one morning and an older couple was there with their two grown sons and their wives. it was their first year being at this particular condo and so we struck up a conversation with them, letting them know all the important stuff a person would need to know. like where to eat. and where not to eat. and about sights they should take the time to see, and places they should forget about and save their money.


the more we talked, the subjects would change from time to time and we would go from talking about our favorite restaurants to the subject of God or politics or real estate. over the next couple of days, we began looking forward to the times we would meet up with randy at the pool. because as we listened to his life story, we realized what an inspirational man he was. he talked about how he had gone from a broken marriage, which left him estranged from his kids, to his second marriage with Julie. and how he had begun a job as a window washer and built his company into a successful janitorial company. i  could listen to him talk for hours. about anything. he had such a positive outlook on life and he just made you feel good. he never said a negative word. about anything. or anybody. he was so friendly and outgoing and just exuded happiness. i wanted to hang around with him forever. so some of whatever it was he had, would rub off on me. but, i didn't think his wife, julie, would much like that idea. so, after two weeks, they went back home to indiana.

the next year, randy's parents came back to stay for another two weeks. but they came alone. and it wasn't nearly as much fun. they're good people, don't get me wrong. but i didn't want to hang around with them forever. i missed the "inspirational one." BUT, this past year...the parents came back again...this time with randy and julie. and they were going to be there for all of one week. so, we had to stay on guard at all times and make sure that we were in the pool at the same time they were...so we could get our "happy" on.

mama and daddy started taking us to ft. myers beach every year, when we were little kids, for the summer. we started out renting a little cottage at the pink shell resort. it sat right up over the pool and mama could sit out on the porch and keep an eye out for the five of us kids. mama doesn't get in swimming pools. because she says it's like sharing bath water with strangers. plus, she knows what kinds of things people do in pools. gross things. like peeing, spitting, wiping your nose with your hand and then putting said hands in the water. gaaaaaaaaaaagggg. when you think about those things it's a wonder that any of us swim in them! later on they bought the condo and after they moved from clewiston to savannah they would go down and stay for the summer. my sister, terri, would also go. because she was still in college and had the summers off. after pickle was born, they would still go down, until terri and her husband moved to tennessee. then she and i started splitting the summers up. she would drive down to savannah and pick mama and daddy up and then go down and stay for the first half. then i would drive down and stay the second half and drive them back home. neither mama nor daddy were driving anymore and so they needed a "chauffeur."

so, the first year that randy and julie came, it was my time to be there and terri didn't get to meet them. but this past year we were both there at the same time, so she got introduced and she too, just loved to listen to randy talk.

now around the condo, mama is known as the "phantom lady" to the regulars. that's because in the more than 30 years that they have owned the condo, the regulars have never seen my mother! she is not a sun person. she never was. kind of ironic i know, that they would have a place on the beach and she doesn't even like to go out in the sun, but if you are really quick, you can catch her getting on or off of the elevator and getting into or out of the car. if you're not really quick, well, then you would never see her. there are 4 parking places underneath the condo, for owners to park their cars, and it backs up to the oceanside.

it has become a joke with us, that any time we would pull up in the car, we would ask mama if she wanted to sit outside for awhile. she usually said no. mama likes her air conditioner you see. and she doesn't like to get her hair messed up by the wind. not after she has spent 30 minutes with the curling iron on it trying to get it to hold a curl long enough for us to go eat dinner out and get back before it fell.

but, every now and then, it would be just cool enough, and we could talk her into sitting over by the grill area for a little while and enjoy the view and the beautiful sunsets.

this particular day...was one of those times. terri and pickle, and daddy and i, had been down at the pool all morning long. terri and i laid on our rafts and floated around the pool and listened to randy talk. she and daddy and pickle had gone up a few minutes before i had and terri had told mama, "boy, if i wasn't married, and if randy wasn't married...i would go after him!" and then daddy said something about him, like what a nice young man he was and just really brought out the best in people. about 15 minutes or so later, i walked in and said the exact same thing terri had just said. we were always just going on and on about randy in front of mama. saying, "oh, you should just come down and sit by the pool sometimes just to hear him talk." well... this day, after we got home from dinner, we pulled up in the owners parking lot and asked mama if she wanted to sit outside awhile. and she did! now to most people, this would not be a big deal! but to us, it was HUGE! so we pulled some chairs over so she could see the view and catch the sun setting and pickle ran upstairs to get her dog, tootsie, so mema (mama) could watch her walk the dog down by the water.

and i ran up (well, i walked and i went up the elevator)and got my camera...because, like i said, this was HUGE. and i wanted to document it. so MY grandchildren would know that their great grandmother really DID go outside once in awhile.

while we were sitting there, guess who came downstairs? randy and julie!!!! this was perfect. now mama could meet this man that we had been gushing about for the last week. we pulled up a couple of chairs for them and we introduced them to the "phantom lady,"  and we waited.

for randy to talk. and be inspirational. and we waited...and we waited. but he wasn't in a talking mood. for once. in all the time we had known him, he picked this ONE time to be kinda grumpy. maybe he and julie had had an argument. or a knock down, drag out fight. maybe his stomach was hurting or he had a headache or maybe he had already said everything he had to say. but he wasn't happy. or funny. or inspirational. and we were kinda bummed out. all this building him up and then this huge....nothing.


finally...after about 20 minutes or so, he slapped his hand on the table and he got this big grin on his face and he looked over at mama and he said, "I KNOW WHO YOU LOOK LIKE! all this time i've been sitting here trying to figure out who it was you remind me of, and i couldn't get it out of my mind! but now i know who it is!" and we were all like "yay, he's back! now mama will get to see the randy we know and love, and she will love him too!"

and we were all thinking he was going to say something like JACKIE KENNEDY ONASSIS or GRACE KELLY or some other beautiful movie star or actress. because mama IS a beautiful woman. she always has been. and very dignified.


but randy slapped his hand on that table again and said, "YOU LOOK JUST LIKE ROY ORBISON!" WHAT??? did he really just say that my mother looked LIKE A MAN? and a not very good looking man, at that! and just like that...mama formed a different opinion about randy. he had kinda, sorta just insulted her! he said it was her big sunglasses she had on, and the way her hair was the same color, and that when her head was turned just so...she could pass for him. ummmmmm. okay there, inspirational man. open mouth, insert foot. randy was just laughing and trying to explain that he wasn't being mean or insulting...but it wasn't come off too good. and the rest of us just sat there with our mouths open...not knowing what to say or do. then mama said she was ready to go upstairs.


we put on our nightgowns and all of us girls gathered in mama and daddys room for our nightly ritual. playing a rousing game of "ball" and laughing until one of us (me) wet our pants. pickle gets great joy out of someone (me) wetting my pants. so she insists that we stay until it happens. every night. and i always manage to oblige. this night while we were playing ball, we got to talking about randy and mama said that it had really hurt her feelings, after we had all built him up sooooo much, that he would say she looked like a man. and we were laughing about it, and trying to convince her that no, she did not look like a man, he had only been joking. and to prove it to her, i pulled out my lap top, so i could pull up a picture of ROY ORBISON and show mama that they looked nothing alike! and this is the picture i pulled up.

i went to close the lid on the laptop, before mama could see it, and i was just a tad too late. she wanted to see it. and when i turned it around...she looked at his picture and said, 'I DO LOOK LIKE HIM! I DO LOOK LIKE A MAN! THAT IS A PICTURE OF ME!" and we tried to tell her that she DID NOT...but the truth was, that with her sunglasses on, she DID! while mama and terri and pickle were over on one bed, laughing about it, i was on the other and just to be funny and also so i could get to laughing good so i could wet my pants and then get to go on to bed, i opened up the Paint accessory and did this!

and then i put these two pictures side by side and turned it around to show them.

it just so happened that it was at the exact same moment that terri and pickle had finally convinced mama that she and ROY looked nothing alike. really bad timing! we all busted out laughing at the same time and of course, one thing led to another and i got up to get a piece of candy, and wet my pants. not just a little bit. an "i wet my pants now i have to change the sheets and my nightgown, kind of wet." and that led to mama wetting hers and that led to pickle deciding that from now on and henceforth...mema would now be called "ROY."

we decided that ROY was a good looking man after all, after looking at this picture. mama got over her feelings being hurt. but she didn't change her opinion about randy. she said she didn't know what all the fuss about him had been over. and she was glad that terri and i were both married. because she said she wouldn't want him for a son-in-law.

just a little word to the wise.... man. if you're going to put your foot in your mouth and tell a woman she looks just like a man...make sure you insert your weaker foot...otherwise you won't be able to outrun that frying pan that's flying towards your head!